That moment when you feel your head buzzing. You can’t quite think of what you need to think.
You try to rationalize with yourself. Your mind feels torn and you feel in a boxing ring. Your rationale and emotional thoughts having knockout rounds.
You can’t fall asleep. You wake feel tired. Your hair is a mess and having a warm cup of tea is tasteless. You put on that robotic smile and pull on something to wear. It’s clean and pressed so it will do.
Putting on a smile seems so hard. You walk by people, they look so happy. Effortless. You cry within. Your soul feels traumatized. But you need the job. You need the money. You keep telling yourself that. You hate yourself for needing it. But you do.
You go into work.
You have become someone who is a functional depressive.
You plough through the day. Struggling to hear what people are saying. Trying to focus. Can no one see how you are feeling?
You nod. Half smile and reply “I’m ok, had a late night”.
You are functional.
You get on a train. People look in your direction. Some stare. You feel perhaps they can see what you are thinking. You look away and feel a dose of nervousness. Your chest feels weird. You feel impatient.
You need toiletries. You head to the shops.
You head home. Get into the bed. Shopping in the bag still. You feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. You eat because you have to. You question your existence.
Your mum calls you.
She asks how you are doing. You reply that you are fine and had a long day.
You feel miserable and wonder if anyone cares. Then you tell yourself that you are strong. You feel naked for crying. You go into social media and like a few pictures and posts. You feel like a society reject.
In the past year on my Facebook live videos I have been banging on about mental health and finding wellness. It’s not a fad. It’s real and it is personal.
You function. But life is more than about functioning , it is about living it and loving it.
It is about you enjoying being you. About having a spring in your step and love ❤️ in your heart.
There is always someone willing to listen. However, if you do not listen to yourself, no one will really listen to you.
Tips to heal your mind and soul.
You are enough. Understand that.
The past is the past. Accept that.
Everyday is a day to get life in the shape you want it. Feel that.
Friendships are two sided, and it is ok to share. Trust that.
Nothing is set in stone. Believe that.
You have the power within to improve your power on the outside. Search for that.
You are the love you are searching for. Embrace that.
You are valued. You are you, unique, brave and loved.
Whatever feels like the end, is not. Do not give in to it. You are so much and more. Trust it.